B the Word... Justine Ager

Justine Ager

As the holidays approach and COVID restrictions increase across the United States, domestic violence advocates anticipate yet another challenge – increased domestic abuse. Domestic violence cases tend to spike during the holidays. Holidays can be a significant source of family and financial stress. Add a pandemic, job concerns and increased isolation to the situation and we create the perfect storm. 

Awareness is power. Justine Ager is a survivor with a powerful story to share. We hope that we will empower someone who may be in a dangerous situation to take action and ultimately save a life. 

I have struggled throughout my life with self-acceptance and self-worth. I suffered from a desire to "save" people who don't want to be saved. My first real relationship at 21 years old was an abusive one, which ended with the man who was supposed to love me trying to kill me. When he was unsuccessful, he stalked me for over a year back in a time when there were no stalking laws, and there was no protection. Three things saved me from this situation; my mother protected me and helped me rebuild my shredded self-esteem, faith, and career.

 When I heard about Justine Ager's story, who at just 23 years old was left for dead on the sidewalk outside of her apartment complex in the winter of 2013, I knew it must be shared.

The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence (NRCDV) reports that young women between 18 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence, almost double the national average. Domestic violence occurs when one person in a relationship tries to establish power and control over the other through a pattern of intentional behaviors that can include physical, psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse.

 Thirty years after my own experience with a violent partner, Justine experienced a similar yet much more dangerous fate. Tossed over a balcony, left for dead by her boyfriend, Justine did not die.  She is alive, well, and empowered to help others end, once and for all, the domestic abuse cycle for other women. This story highlights while women have come so far, there is still so much work to be done to change the power dynamic and create laws to protect victims of abuse. 

Justine is bold and brave in every way and has overcome more in eight years that most of us experience in a lifetime.  Here is Justine's story.

The Boyfriend

Justine’s Chihuahua, Otis

Tim was in oil and gas, and I was in college, studying art at a community college when we met in 2010.  We met in a bar in Steamboat Springs. It started as a fun and exhilarating relationship but, over time, morphed into an unhealthy, controlling, abusive one, and I could not see a way out.  We dated for about two years when his job required him to move to rural Pennsylvania, and I foolishly decided to follow him. His job required him to be gone for long periods, and I was left alone in a tiny town with no support system, no friends, money, or a job. It was a very lonely time. I only had my Chihuahua, Otis,  as my companion. In hindsight, I now know that this was all an intentional move on Tim's part to isolate me from my support system and my family.

As time passed, we began to argue more, and he became increasingly more verbally abusive and ultimately violent. One day he came home from work and retreated to the bedroom to go to sleep. Having been alone all day, I was chatty as he put the covers over his head, yelling, "I don't want t talk." I asked one more question and suddenly found myself being flung off the bed by my hair as  I catapulted to the floor. He screamed, "I told you I don't want to talk." I was in shock and pain as I got up off the floor and immediately grabbed my suitcase and began packing.  Tim snickered at me as he said, "Where do you think you are going with all that? I will be sending you home with one bag on the plane. That's all you will get to take with you." I was crying, physically injured, and mentally exhausted. In the middle of winter, I took Otis and my blanket and slept all night in the car. He never checked on me, never apologized, never said a word. The next morning, I went back inside and stayed. The reality at that moment was I believed I had nowhere else to go.

Justine with her mother, brothers and sister-in-law

The relationship deteriorated, and I found myself doing things that I never thought I would do and tolerating circumstances I never thought I would accept.  Crazy breeds crazy. He threatened me on a regular basis and regularly threatened to kill Otis.  I believed him. After another physical altercation, I finally reached out to my brother, Brandon, who was traveling out my way. He agreed to drive 500 miles out of his way to get me and my things if I promised him I would leave.  I packed up my belongings and my dog and went back home to Denver.

The Rebound 

I found a job as a server in a restaurant, and things were looking up for me. I rented an apartment near downtown and was making ends meet on my own. I felt better. My only mistake was I stayed in touch with Tim. He showed up one day at my apartment. He had quit his job and needed a place to stay. I made the mistake of saying yes.  Despite everything we had been through, I felt sorry for him and let him stay.

I continued to work many shifts as a server to pay the bills. I paid for everything. Tim paid for nothing. Tim’s days consisted of playing video games, smoking pot on my couch. While he couldn’t muster the time or energy to find a job, unbeknownst to me, he had a Match.com account and corresponded with four other women.  I began to go out drinking after work with friends to avoid him, which ignited his anger, and soon the violence continued. One day he ripped the Xbox out of the console and hurled it at the TV, destroying everything.  He choked me. I blamed myself, figuring, somehow I deserved it.

As the holidays approached, I made plans to visit my family. Tim wanted no part of any family events. I was planning to break up with him, and I realized I would need help to get out without help. I reached out to my brother again, and we texted about the break-up. I found out later that Tim was monitoring my texts and knew about it all along.

The Fateful Night 

On December 30th, I worked a double shift and joined a group of friends to watch the Bronco game. I came home much later than expected, and I knew he would be angry. Little did I know that as I turned the knob and walked through the door, he would soon alter my life forever.

To be continued.

Read the rest of the story on November 24, 2020 at www.triciakagerer.com

National Domestic Violence Hotline  www.The hotline.org 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or  1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

The B Words: 13 Words Every Woman Must Navigate for Success

By Tricia Kagerer

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B the Word... Melanie Fitzpatrick

Melanie Fitzpatrick

Speaker | Author | Coach

Melanie Fitzpatrick and I met years ago when my cousin and I were writing our first book “Wise Irish Women.” That was the first time I had the privilege of telling Melanie’s story. As two red heads working in non-traditional roles in male dominated fields while raising our kids, it was refreshing to finally find a friend.  Fast forward and we are once again on similar paths to liberate, inspire and challenge women to create their own authentic life on their own terms. 

 Melanie is an Empowerment Leader for Women & Transformation Life Coach. She guides Women to claim their personal power and brilliance at any age! She specializes in helping women in their 4th, 5th, 6th decade step out confidently in life and their business. Ultimately creating meaningful and aligned choices for their idea of success. She does this in her coaching, workshops and East End Entrepreneurs group- a membership based Women’s Success Group. She passionately uses her gifts and training in the areas of Personal Development, Feminine Leadership, Coaching, Facilitation and business acumen, to lead women to impactful futures. Melanie is the Founder of Live in YOUR Truth™, Wise Women Rising, Out of the BOX Living and Smokin@Sixty.

 Melanie survived the “Babe to Bitch” transition in corporate America and is now bravely thriving as an inspirational entrepreneur.  Here is Melanie’s story.

TK: You had a significant career in corporate America and decided to make a change. What was the catalyst for the change?

MF: I felt a calling in a different direction. I wanted something more, and the feeling would not leave me alone until I yielded to it. Initially, it wasn't easy to name what that something more was. Now I know it to be a soul call. When I lost my mojo, I recognized I was suffering from burnout from a hard-driving 20-year sales career. I felt like a wounded warrior! I wanted to shift to another role within my company, but they only saw me as an income generator.   

I emphatically knew it was time for me to move on, even though I felt distinct inner resistance about the change. I had enjoyed a long and successful career in corporate sales despite the weekly travel, managing a family, a busy lifestyle, and the challenges of being a woman in the male-dominated field of transportation and logistics. 

As I began to navigate my way out, I had many inner and outer obstacles to overcome. Outside of my successful role as a National Account Manager, I held limiting beliefs about what else I could do or who I could become. Fortunately, I found an influential Mentor who was instrumental in guiding how I could grow through and overcome these challenges. 

However, a year later, it was a cancer diagnosis that served as my real wake-up call. Fortunately, we caught it early, and I recovered from surgery with a clean bill of health. Ironically, it was the death of a good friend who lost her battle with cancer that served as the catalyst for me to put my stake in the ground and get moving!  My husband and I created a plan for my exit, and six months later, I left. Thus began my journey to uncover this something more that was calling me.

 TK: You are now an entrepreneur working predominately with women as a mentor and a coach. What services do you provide? 

I am such a fierce champion for Women and their potential at any age! I now guide women who desire to transform their mid-life uncertainty, fear, and hopelessness about what’s possible for them in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond. I offer private coaching, workshops, and retreats. I also lead a Membership based Women's Entrepreneur group in person and virtually. 

TK: How does entrepreneurship differ from corporate America?

MF: There is an opportunity as a female entrepreneur to experience the freedom to be authentically herself. Not all women embrace this, but many entrepreneurial women experience the game-changing freedom of no longer being held in a box of rigid definitions of who they can be, how they must behave, and who they get to become.

There is no ceiling to a woman’s worth, intrinsically or financially.

But we have to claim it and lead ourselves to it. This is perhaps my biggest learning leap: owning my authentic power and being fully self-expressed in it. I have arrived at no longer needing outside approval to be who I am! Entrepreneurship allows you the room to grow in this way, without the dictates and restrictions of external structures.

Female entrepreneurs create the structure for their idea of personal and financial success by combining our vision, skills, gifts, and innate feminine power. A new feminine leadership style that encompasses a masterful blend of masculine and feminine energies allows women to get their work done while prioritizing renewal and wellness.

I encourage all women, whether in a J.O.B. or a corporate environment, to embrace their innate feminine power (intuition, compassion, prioritizing self, spiritual connection) and consciously choose to lead themselves in this balanced way.

“There is no ceiling to a woman’s worth, intrinsically or financially. ”

— MF

TK: What advice would you give someone who wants to pursue a similar journey but is afraid? 

MF: Never give up on yourself! You matter so much! You may not be able to grasp your relevance yet, but you need to cultivate the trust that you are meant for more extraordinary things. If what you’re currently doing no longer light’s you up, It's the universes way of letting you know it's time to explore, pray, and seek a new path. There is another thriving chapter waiting.  

Be willing to change. Don’t stay stuck! When you desire to have a significant change in your life – you have to do some soul searching and be willing to make changes on a personal level to take a big leap…like leaving your career for something else. Be willing to allow for the next level of your growth. Change is inevitable!

Dare to dream. What lights you? What have you always wanted to do? What do you fantasize or daydream about? Connect with your spirit and ask – what is meant for me? Make a list of big and small things you love and stay in the energy of how it makes you feel. Then allow this inspiration to propel you into action!! Start small. Schedule tasks. Take action each day until complete. Rinse and repeat! In no time, you’ll be making dreams a reality. For the bigger ones, get help if you need it. Just keep moving forward!

Seek support. You don’t have to 'go it' alone. That's an outdated paradigm women have been condition to believe. Invest in yourself by finding a really good counselor, coach, or mentor to help you identify and dismantle your inner blocks. This will help you find clarity and the inspiration to create a new beginning in your life or work.  The investment will pay dividends by giving you the confidence to build a heartfelt future. And remember, what you long for…longs for you. 

One thing I know for sure is that if you don't take any positive action for yourself,  you will be in the same spot a year from now. 

TK: Who is your role model? 

MF: Right now, my biggest role model is Gina DeVee, a global author, coach, and influencer who is empowering women to take their rightful place in the world by owning their inner queen and be unapologetically themselves. I love this message; it’s quite timely!

TK: What is your favorite quote?

MF: I have two;  

"When the personality comes to serve the energy of the soul, that is authentic power!" Gary Zukav 

“We’ll never solve the feminization of power until we solve the masculinity of wealth.” Gloria Steinem

TK: What are your thoughts on diversity and inclusion?  

MF: As a feminist, I have always been a women’s equality advocate. With the racial injustices that continue to persist, I realize there can be no equality for women specifically until there is racial equality. Systemic racism in America is so deep and pervasive. It is incredibly apparent that we need sweeping changes in just about every institution in America, including; healthcare, the judicial process, education, small and corporate business.

TK: What would need to happen for things to change? 

MF: As individuals, we need to begin to dismantle our internalized racism in our thoughts, ideology, communication, belief systems, behavior, and actions. While challenging, the reckoning begins with an honest and thorough self-reflection acknowledging what we were taught to believe. This is personal.

Our next step is to cultivate the courage and integrity to step up and use our voices to change the inequities and injustices we witness within our own families, communities,  work, places of worship, public spaces, and in the classroom. Everyone needs to care about this.  All people deserve to be treated equally; this is our divinity.

TK: You recently started a new initiative called "Smokin’ at Sixty!"  What is your philosophy on aging, and how can women embrace getting older?  

MF: I believe women at any age, especially in their 50's, 60's and beyond, have an incredible amount to contribute to the world.  Now is our season of life to be highly intentional, embrace our gifts, and share the wisdom garnered from our joys and hard-won battles. We are in the rebirth stage of our Heroin’s journey. 

We are poised to bring a wealth of experience, compassion, insight, and vision to humanity's needs, including climate change, social and racial injustice, and other world inequities.  

When women choose to view this chapter of their life as the opportunity to be sovereign to themselves, answer their soulful call, and create meaningful change,  our world will look and feel very different. The outcome will be the feminine will rising, to be sure! This is my vision, and I plan to be a part of it.

However, while I am encouraged to see women in their 50’s & 60’s embracing empowered action during this stage of life, most women I encounter as a life coach are still feeling and behaving trapped by the paralyzing message of our social conditioning.

 Be a good girl. Don’t rock the boat. Who do you think you are? Stay in your lane! And most specifically, women of a certain age are supposed to fade into the background of life.

As a fierce advocate for women’s potential, I can’t abide by that!

This next phase, like all phases, needs to be empowered by choice. To engage with life on their terms and make the contribution that lights them up! As one client shared with me, I want to be Smokin’ at Sixty too!

Ready to become the Woman you are truly meant to be? Connect with Melanie for a Free Discovery Call. Let’s explore the possibilities together. Your genius awaits!

Melanie resides in Pittsburgh, PA and can be reached at:  msfitzpatrick54@gmail.com or 412.736.6067

The B Words: 13 Words Every Woman Must Navigate for Success

By Tricia Kagerer

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B the Word... Abby Ferri

Abby Ferri

Abby Ferri epitomizes the B Words in so many ways. She is breaking down barriers for women in construction and safety and uses all aspects of social media to connect, inspire, and challenge the future generation of safety professionals. Abby is a host of the Safety Justice League Podcast that provides cutting edge interviews with diverse, interesting people covering a variety of topics that finally break down some of the traditional, out of date safety concepts. As if that isn’t enough, Abby works full time as a risk engineer for Gallagher and is a hands-on mom and wife. Abby is creating life on her own terms and living the premise of self-defined success.

Here is Abby’s story:

TK: How did you get started in the safety/construction industry?

AF: While working for a construction company during college, I learned about safety as a profession and changed course from exercise science and cardiac rehabilitation to earning a masters in environmental health and safety. As the only one in my class interested in construction, I had my pick of interviews and was hired before graduation. Moving from northern Minnesota to southern California was an easy decision! 

TK: How did you start your podcast?

AF: It was a "pandemic project" that presented itself after collaborating with the Jasons and other safety professionals for #askasafetypro videos on LinkedIn. We went from selfie videos that one person edited together to going all audio. We felt that safety pros longed for community, even before COVID, and the response to the podcast has confirmed that. We love being able to selfishly pick guests WE want to speak with, who usually are not safety pros. The outside perspectives have been really interesting and have delivered value to our fellow safety pros too.   

TK: What was it like working in a male-dominated industry as a young female starting out in your career?

AF: When I look back on it now, I cringe about some interactions and treatment! Overall, it was a positive experience as I'm the type who seeks out challenges. The biggest challenge was actually being a young safety pro in an industry that was still viewing safety as a necessary evil, often keeping me in the dark on upcoming work I could have been an asset to in planning. I grew a LOT in the profession in the first 5 years by having supervisors who empowered me to network with other safety pros, further my education, and entrusted me with projects that raised my profile to people in all levels of the organizations. 

TK: You have been very active regarding inclusion in the workplace.  What is the difference between inclusion and diversity? Which comes first?

AF: Just having (or attempting to have) a diverse workforce isn't enough. An atmosphere must be created and maintained that ensures perspectives can be brought up and discussed, even when the subject matter is challenging. Inclusion must come first, and this is where some organizations are currently getting it wrong. Some companies have finally found some self awareness and realize they do not have a diverse workforce, but haven't thought about WHY before reaching out to populations they usually wouldn't actively recruit. 

“Just having a diverse workforce isn’t enough. An atmosphere must be created and maintained that ensures perspectives can be brought up and discussed, even when the subject matter is challenging.”

— AF

TK: You are active on the ASSP WISE women’s leadership initiative. Tell me about some of the work related to PPE for women.

AF: I'm currently Vice Chair of the ASSP/ISEA Z590.6 Technical Report Committee working on a document titled "Guidance for the Fit and Selection of Personal Protective Equipment and Apparel Available for Women." PPE is such a visible thing, that it appears to be the first problem we can solve. Besides PPE fit, WISE leadership identified two other areas of focus for the Women's Workplace Safety Summit in the fall of 2018 - workplace violence and the low numbers of women in executive leadership in safety. During my four years in elected WISE leadership, I feel the needle was moved on these issues by elevating them to the board level at ASSP and other organizations. The ASSP/ISEA Z590.6 Technical Report is forthcoming in the first half of 2021. 

TK: Do you think women are advancing and making progress? If so how?

AF: Absolutely, but it is disheartening that as awareness is raised and we feel we're advancing the topics of representation in leadership, for example, to see all-male panels at industry events. It's important as women to keep active and engaged, and equally important is the role of our allies who aren't women. Taking the all-male panel example further, because it is still so common, what should a man do when he finds himself on an all-male panel? My hope is that our male allies will have the self-awareness to know they're on an all-male panel and that is not representative of our industry. Then, they have options - notify the organizers, give up their seat, suggest one or more people who are not male to take the seat. The key is to do something, and not just throw up your hands and say it's too late. It's never too late, especially in this era of virtual events. 

WISE and myself have made solutions easy by compiling a directory of speakers from our membership. A man on an all-male panel at a safety event recently compiled a list of women safety professional authors, their books and articles. 

I will not feel that we've truly progressed until it's NOT uncommon to see women in VP and other executive roles in safety. 

TK: How do you prioritize career and children? Any tips?

AF: We talk about priorities vs. values in safety all the time. By framing the question with "prioritize" it automatically signals that the priority changes. On the micro daily and weekly level, my daughter's needs are often prioritized over career, especially in this age of virtual school from home. Sometimes a lesson needs more explanation or she just needs a hug and a quiet moment. It's been a tough go since this spring, and I am not in a position to give advice, only encouragement to others in the same situation - we can only do the best we can each day. 

I've found that when I prioritize overall health, that even the act of eating more healthy and getting an extra hour of sleep (by not scrolling social media before bed) can set up the entire household for success. However, the definition of success may need to be revisited or altered by the hour some days!! 

When looking at the macro level and the ability to balance career and family, choosing an employer that shares your values is huge! It's a difficult thing to do when many of us are trying to hold our jobs, but if an employer doesn't share your goals in maintaining a career and a family, the work relationship will always be strained and stressful. If you're actively looking for a new position, reach out to women who have worked at the employers on your short list, ask the hard questions! This is why I love WISE and similar groups for women in our industry - we will talk REAL with each other so we can be armed with the best information possible to make a solid choice for our career path and lifestyle. 

TK: Thoughts on how COVID will change the safety industry.

AF: I have high hopes that safety pros are rising to this challenge and employers will not be able to return to times that they did not have a seat at "the table" for us. The cynic in me says we still have a long way to go to solidify that position of influence. That's why I am not only a safety pro but also view safety communication as my hobby. The more that the layperson understands that there are safety professionals at work in their community and organization whose responsibility is ensuring THEIR safety, the easier it will be for safety pros to do our best work. 

Check out The Safety Justice League Podcast at the links below:

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The B Words: 13 Words Every Woman Must Navigate for Success

By Tricia Kagerer

Buy on Amazon